Deciding that you want to salvage your relationship is the easy part. Here are some steps that can help. If it feels like things have gotten really bad and you want to fix them, do something!
Placing all of the blame on your partner can be pretty tempting. But it takes two to tango, people. Instead of focusing so much on what your partner is doing wrong, be honest about how you might be contributing to the problem too, Santan recommends.
Sure, your feelings and perspective are important. Little gestures can go a long way, especially when the two of you are nearing the breaking point to begin with. The WE wins when neither partner plays the blame game and when being close is more important than being right. Think of it this way: the WE is the home team, and when the WE wins, each member of the team benefits. Many couples experience relational pain mostly because they are lacking ample knowledge about each other.
Sometimes, familiarity begets apathy. The best antidote to growing callousness is to rekindle curiosity about each other. Surprisingly, many couples have not taken the time to get to know each other more deeply via proactively consistent efforts.
More often than not, conflict emerges from not knowing completely which invariably leads to misunderstanding.
As [couples and a therapist] work together, [they] are jointly unraveling this shocking mystery. If and when couples are willing to invest necessary time and patience in allowing this process to unfold, a new possibility can transpire.
What was once construed as irreconcilable differences could be turned into a transformative opportunity to learn and reconnect at a whole different level of empathy and understanding. This learning process alone can be truly eye-opening for many couples and can be instrumental in how to save a failing marriage by inviting them to a new chapter of their relationship.
It is defensiveness that broadcasts a lack of power. When each person is trying to get the other understand their point of view, the arguing rarely ceases. So, you be the first to hit these 3 points BEFORE you ask the other to listen to your explanations or reasons and point of view. A relationship is made up of a system that requires change from both partners. When each person is solely focused on what is needed from the other, it is hard to break a problematic sequence.
Rather than holding a primary focus on what is lacking from your partner, work towards looking within yourself towards positive change and growth. That leads to a healthy marriage!
First, take an honest appraisal of what you can offer to the marriage as well as what you are asking from your partner. If you want to make this work, there must be a commitment to doing the work. This includes re-learning the meaning of trust. Ask yourself the question how much you trust your partner. Usually, you both want the same thing. Allow yourself to trust them more and you will feel them trusting you more.
There will be — and should be — ups and downs to get to a healthier relationship. Bottom line, each partner needs to keep working on themselves and that leads to a happy marriage.
One of the biggest changes I suggest is to have more goals for yourself then you do for your spouse. Amazing how that works…. In fact, it's changes made by just one of the spouses that brings about marital change. Of course it depends on the issues, but even with infidelity couples, I've seen this work. Again, my advice to the one who wants to save the troubled marriage is to work on self and get back to the essence of who they are with no expectations of their spouse.
At the very least, the person going at it alone can choose to address their personal issues and grow as a result. If I only had one piece of guidance to offer you if you're looking for ways to save your marriage it would be to ask yourself: "How am I responsible? Often times, couples will blame each other or sense a stalemate or block [with] no way to move forward. We typically aren't capable of figuring it out ourselves seeing as we are in the middle of it, so calling a therapist is a great idea to see whether your marriage is salvageable.
I right away look for both parties willing to take some responsibility. Sometimes one person or even both partners feel there is no hope and feel counseling is a waste of time, especially if one spouse refuses to attend. They should approach it with the idea to learn about themselves and see their marriage as an experience contributing to their growth…We need to learn to be happy with ourselves which takes a lifetime and not expect others to make us happy.
Often when people fall in love, they show their best qualities and decide to marry based on these. People should also see the flaws of each other and more importantly accept them. I think fear is a major source of how people react especially with those they are most intimate with and marriage is one the of most intimate experience bringing out our most vulnerable selves.
I also think we give up easily as we live in a disposable society where things are constantly replaced. We learn in our family of origin how to be in relationships and often we take these patterns into other relationships including marriage.
Both involve trust and self-reflection, qualities which often require us to check our pride at the door. In order to maintain trust in a strong marriage, each partner needs to not only be honest, but transparent.
Transparency, on the other hand, requires a couple to share openly and honestly on multiple levels, allowing for vulnerability with the hope of creating a deeper sense of intimacy. This type of intimacy will not only help maintain a healthy relationship but also repair one as well. True intimacy involves self-reflection and transparency, both of which play a role in accountability.
Silent discontent breeds resentment, distance, and marital discord. Be proactive in maintaining the health of your marriage, it will be worth the time and effort every time.
I think that the one piece of advice I would give to a couple working toward saving a marriage is to start paying attention to the TONE with which that say things to each other. Talk to your partner about your failing marriage and steps you can take to control it. If you really want to save your marriage then you must act right now and take all the necessary measures to do so.
Things that will doubt yourself and you may find yourself asking how am I going to save my marriage myself or why am I doing it? You have to be strong and fight this all alone.
Who knows, looking at your passion and enthusiasm, your partner will join hands in saving the marriage. So, you need to re-evaluate your actions and do something different if you want a different result. These reverse actions will give you different results. If you think dating is out of your marriage, then you must rethink this. You can still enjoy your time alone. Talk about your feelings and life. Such getaways will help you revive the dying romance.
So, you start the change if you want them to change. Take Course. Eaker Weil suggests taking a planned, structured break. And if they don't? Well, counseling is always a good idea—as is re-evaluating whether your lifetime partner is really living up to their vows. The hard truth is that some marriages aren't meant to be saved—but that's up to you to decide, when you're ready.
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